Food for thought... How can people utter having experienced a "broken heart" or ”heartache" yet simultaneously say they’ve NEVER experienced L-O-V-E? Please explain this concept? How can someone be so remorseful, afraid of, and not believe in something they claim to have "never" experienced yet claim to have been a victim of? How is this possible?
This is the 2st century where everyone “LOVES” everything and everyone. Example: I love Zeus my dog, and I use to love my "ex". OK OK I was "in-love" with my ex. So I mean two completely different things- when I say I love my puppy boi vs being in lone- yet they are both considered “love”; point is I personally cannot say that I’ve never experienced the love paradox.
So back to my question, how can people bitch & complain about being hurt yet say they've never experienced LOVE? Oxymoron? Or misinterpretation of the feelers? Possibly. I promise there is a point and reason to my madness. My point is that if you've experienced heartache or heartbreak then you've experienced LOVE! Surprised? Of course. It really is not a foreign concept, rather simply. I am tired of listening to people rant about never experiencing “love” but having to deal with a heartache; hmmm. Ok. Why did you act a fool if you were not in love? You really where experiencing some type of loving or else you wouldn’t have gotten hurt, so stop trying to lie to yourself because you’re not fooling anyone but yourself.
My next point/question-call it what you want is: Should a person settle and be content with a mediocre relationship? Settling because we are scared of getting hurt "more" or "worse" or because we are scared of being lonely the rest of our lives is plain SILLY & DUMB!-I am guilty of this so I am only burning myself. Yes I know everyone should be brave and take the risk of finding that "true everlasting love" we all dream of; even if this means getting hurt over and over again and again. Getting hurt while trying to find love leaves us with a sour taste of "love" but isn’t the mere possibility that you could end up with that “head-over-heels” type of love worth it all? Why settle when you have the chance of finding a person that compliments you, makes you better, challenges you in a positive manner, promotes your well being, most importantly encourages your dreams and builds a future with you! Ok who am I kidding this persona does not exist- all bitches have glitches- but finding someone that makes you feel like a queen/king and isn’t a constant headache? Well that person I know exist!
Too often people(me included) are in the love race, rushing the search/journey which will lead them to their significant-other. I’d like to know WHEN DID finding our soul mate become a time bomb? I understand we all get tired of the heartaches and are scared of growing old and ending up alone so “settling” becomes very appealing- then we settle with the “right, wrong one”. We humans are funny! We set ourselves up for failure and suffering by rushing this journey and simply settling- in turn this ends up tearing us down physically and emotional. We settle and wake up 30 years later in bed next to a stranger we call our spouse, a person we dislike, have nothing in common with and we wake up wishing we wouldn’t have settled- Silly humans. I see female after female come into my office wondering where they went wrong and telling me how they wish they hadn’t “settled” but they felt like they just “had” to get married, they just “had” to have kids, they just “had” to settle- Um no YOU DON’T “have” to do ANYTHING! Of course you want to be happy with someone else but why add unneeded pressure to a relationship by rushing? No need, indeed.
Ok. A secret I will admit to. I, like the entire world battle with these thoughts/questions more then I'd like to admit. No, it’s not because I am in my twenties or because I am a female- it actually isn't a gender battle anymore. Believe it or not males are just as sappy, emotional and bipolar as females! They might have more emotional disorders then women or so studies show; let’s say they feel the need to be needed and validated a lot more than a woman does; regardless the truth is that this is not an issue that is divided by gender because -- truth is that EVERY SINGLE SOUL is on a the same love journey, in search of a significant other. Hoping to find true everlasting love, because as humans we all want to feel needed and wanted- we like feeling useful.
Another secret- I honestly believed that I was the exception to this- I believed this for some time.
I figured that because I had experienced that amazing "IN LOVE" feeling-- which was by the way the most amazing, consuming, overbearing feeling in the world-- that my journey was over. I figured I could only “fall in love” once.
My “in-love” high feeling made me feel like we fit perfectly in each other’s life- after all love blinds you to imperfections- it made me careless, I didn’t care about anything or anyone besides us. My one and only had found me. Well life happens and things change. You know this saying “there is a fine line between love and hate”? Well I can confirm to this saying being absolutely true.
My lover and I seemed to have woken up one morning to find out we had “fallen out of LOVE". We both knew that this hadn’t happened overnight; in fact it took a few open doors of mistrust, the loss of our child, depression, denial, alcohol, and the simple fact that we realized we were complete opposites with no common future goals. We fought like cats and dogs for no apparent reason- our "love" had come to an end September 2009. We didn’t give up right away, in fact we tried hard (or took turns trying) hoping things would work- both of us knowing well that we would never be able to make it work not then at least.
On September 17, 2009 I checked out of life after losing the most precious gift of life- hours later I lost my one and only also. I immediately took a dive emotionally hitting rock bottom but seeing no end. The one thing I never thought could or would happen to me did. I don't blame anyone but myself- I wish I could have done things differently but then again I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am extremely grateful for my present. I do wish I hadn't checked out of life completely but I couldn't bare the pain. I needed help but didn’t know what kind or who to ask for help, so I pretended like nothing happened... Alcohol helped me numb my pain as my anger towards life, love, and God increased. I started taking my frustrations out on my lover because he was the only one around; part of me felt then that he was somewhat responsible for what had happened I knew that was not true but I needed to cope. I never realized how much he suffered also and how much pain he had hide until sometime after we split.
I honestly believe that if we had parted and gone our own ways that September, we would have healed adequately and neither of us would have been left with a sour taste of love, but we didn't. Stubborn as we are we continued to try- after all we only had each other. So we struggled through 5 more eternal months of "trying"- but we were in quick sand and only sank deeper and deeper. The day finally came for us to go our own ways, as we had done enough damage to each other. We resented each other so much it seemed like there had never been a thing called love between us- it was sad.
Needless to say the once independent, ambitious, determined, unstoppable woman was now weak and destroyed. My friends supported me tremendously- I’m forever in debit with them! Some also tried to find me a good friend, mate, man to help me get through what I was going through but I refused. I still had hope- in my then “one”, so we tried to keep a friendship afterwards but it became too difficult. As strange as this sounds one day as I was reminiscing and looking back at our relationship I found myself asking- who the hell had I been? That was definitely not the Sandra I knew, I was shocked! This made me realize two things: love is truly blinding and made me realized that I had finally fallen out of love – and wow did falling out of love felt so good! It was better than when I had fallen in love!
I started working nonstop in order to establish my career, own business, and return to school. This was the only things that mattered to me. I wanted to become the lawyer and the successful woman I had always dreamed of. During this period I also began to build the Wall of China around me, to protect me from any future invasion. I never wanted to get hurt again so I promised myself I WOULD NEVER, fall in love again and because I never wanted a man to influence my future.
Being single was/has been/is a sweet vacation- boys have come and gone without ever denting my wall. I would go on dinner dates and never call the guy again. It was simple. I liked the newness and conversation but I never let it get further then that- chopped & blocked. For once I was in control of my "dating" situation. I can’t say I am proud- ashamed might be a better word- yet I validated my actions by saying I was only protecting myself.
My personal life flourished and so did my career. As my events blossomed so did the questioning; my events happen to be "couples events". Which started headaches, especially when people constantly asked me why I was still single? Why this? Why that? Being the youngest person at my work did not help my "couple" situation- so I decided to find a person I could attend these events with.
I needed someone to compliment me. God being the generous loving Man he is answered my prayer. He sent me a firefighter- athletic, handsome, personable, educated, the one man everyone loved and approved of- everyone except me. He treated me like a queen-the few times he did get to see me that is. You see I asked him to restrict our “dating” to twice a month. Which eventually worn him down and he got sick of my inattentiveness like anyone would. I will never forget his famous quote “Sandra my dog gives me more attention then you do!”—“But you don’t have a dog?”-me “Exactly”
I should have felt horrible but I didn’t care to fall in love – not because I did not want to feel that high again but because I didn’t want to take the risk of another broken heart. After all he seemed too perfect and we all know that not everything that shines is gold. Once again I am not proud about any of this and I never will be. Unfortunately he was not the only heartbreak I would be blamed for.
At the time I honestly didn't care about being serious or even "settling"- I never wanted to "fall in love" again!!! Well like everything else my time as a heartbreaker came to an end. Karma- yes you exist and I knew that; so once again I find myself with a “heartache”.
This happened about a month ago... When I unconsciously started letting a "friend" dent my walls. It started as simple "friend conversations" which strung us both along. Long story short, neither of us expected to develop any type of feelings for each other. In all honestly I think we hated each other prior to this past month. Then “once upon a time something happened” idk what BUT something happened. I truly believe it was God's way of letting me know I would be held accountable for all those broken hearts I was responsible for.
For the past two weeks I’ve been angry at myself, beating myself up at the same time trying to fight my feelings. I fought my heart in fear of --what ended up happening. I let my pride and ego get the best of me. While there is nothing I can do to change my past nor can I predict my future, I can still manage my present. My mind tells me that these feelings will never amount to anything, yet my heart tells me the opposite--this internal conflict lets me know that I have developed stronger feelings then just "liking" this boy-man, man-boy? Ugh. I am NO longer mad at myself for allowing myself to get "emotionally involved" instead I've adapted to the idea.
I've tasted LOVE once again- allowing myself to feel again! Even though I've been struggling the past two weeks, I am relieved to know that there is hope for my cold heart; I’m allowing myself to FEEL once again. (gasp!)
Although I blew what could have been with the person that taught me to feel again- I was able to walk away with a valuable lesson: No one is perfect and everyone is going to hurt us unintentionally or intentionally but we decide when we want to feel and what hurt is worth putting up with. I had tried to block any feeling towards the opposite sex; disabling my feelings- but he enabled my ability to fall in love once again.
Unfortunately my love story hasn’t had a happy ending, but I can at least say that I still believe in fairy-tales. My "Wall of China" finally fell -- this being one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but also the right thing. For the moment I won’t be searching for anyone but if the right person comes along once again I will give it my all; I am willing to take the risk of love again. It may not be tomorrow or the next day- but I know from my recent experience that someday I will "fall head over heels and prince charming will be there to catch me"
I am not one to give advice trust me I know this but folks there are good single peeps out there that are worth the risk and SOME pain.
Other Lessons Learned Recently: Everyone has a breaking point- don't push it if you don't need to- don't test people just to prove a point to yourself. There is no room for PRIDE in LOVE. Always remember that people change on their own accord so don't expect to turn a toad into a prince! Another thing we forget is that we belong to each other and are meant to find a significant other. Please don't misinterpret this OKAY to just settle with JUST ANYONE because your "scared of being lonely"--that will only make your life a living hell & leave you with a sour taste of a lot of things!
"Falling in LOVE"- is one of the only things a human being should never give up on! Not because you are lonely now, or afraid of eating at Perkins alone at the age of 89, or because it's convenient but because it's MAGICAL-- and until you've found that RIGHT person I can tell you that you've probably never truly lived!
It doesn't matter how many heartbreaks you have to go through in order to find that imperfect yet so perfect, breath taking, always consuming, never ending love; it will all be worth it in the end- the love of your life will make you forget about it all. Corny? yes I KNOW!
Outty like a belly button!
ZandyBean "I Take Three L's To The Head: Love, Live, Life, And I'm Dead"
No comments:
Post a Comment