A Breath of Fresh Air...

No More Advice.

Apparently I've been "Slacking" when it comes to blogging = D lol...


Personally I would like to believe I have been slacking and your anxiously waiting to hear what is brewing in this imaginative brain of mine...but is this really true or was I just doing the right thing by taking a break from writing about all this "love" and "boy" or "man" nonsense? & what is the difference between a "man" and a "boy"... I am starting to wonder if there is a difference, maybe I've just met "boys" then that would mean that 95% of my friends have also only met or had relationships with "boys". Do nice guys really finish last? Why in the world would us "independent" females allow that???

SOOOOO SILLY!

Topics: How does one avoid "jealousy" as a secure, confident, independent female? And is it even possible for females to not be jealous or do they hide it extremely well?
.... I've always said that I don't care what you do as long as you don't sleep around on me. I've also kept my personal privacy (or tried too) and allowed my "significant other" to do the same. What do I mean? That I don't like knowing what my "boyfriend" or "man" is doing while he is not with me. I don't go through their phone or any other type of communication method. Does this mean I am not a jealous person? As much as I'd like to say that I am not and believe that, I know that I am to a certain extend. I guess my motto is "curiosity killed the cat" and I don't want to be the cat so I turn the blind eye towards any uncomfortable situation.

I've noticed that the reason why I "don't get jealous" as I like to believe, is because I ignore certain things easily and/or because I am able to make myself believe that I am better than whatever girl might be taking my "boyfriends" attention. I've also noticed myself testing the man I am trying to have a relationship with. What does this mean? that I test their boundaries and try and see how far the dude will really go if a girl was throwing their self at him. I like to believe that most men/boy whatever you'd like to call them are easy to read (look at their past, not always a good evaluation tool, but also look at who they hangout with and how those people are; look at the relationship they have with their mothers and most importantly is to look at the relationship their Momma has with their father. Behaviors are learned at a young age, men aren't born the way they are, they are MADE!

So how is it that I truly believe that I am not a jealous person? Because I believe to become blind to certain situations and I decide what I want to chose as IMPORTANT or ESSENTIAL. If a guy sleeps around on me- I see it as his loss and I was too good for him anyway. ITS ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE LADIES! Also remember that "text messages" can be easily misinterpreted because I know that I have a few male best friends that I can't see as anything more then a brother yet I know that some texts could be seen as excessive or offensive yet completely sincere. For example when I ask a male friend for advice about a dating situation that could be misinterpreted as me trying to flirt; really depends on word choice. ALL I AM SAYING IS THAT text messages can be misinterpreted and as hurt females we think the worse and prepare for the worse! Hence why I never care to know about their leisure time as I know where they are at, at the most critical times of the day (night time-or aka any sex time) LOL.

Am I dumb for this? Maybe but I chose what I let get to me and what doesn't. I like to feel in control and choose my battles! & I know that if I get jealous or angry I am not in control and I lose! So girls be WINNERS! PERSPECTIVE always look at the situation from different perspectives!!!

...those are just my two cents on jealousy... because you asked for this blog = )

next one...

How can you go from "lovers" to just friends without hurting???

coming soon to stores near you...LOL

yours truly,

zandy bean

What's NEXT?

Blogs in the brewing:


The following titles will be the next blog post- not in this order. Let me know what your opinions are on these topics or what you would like to see in the blogs!


Speak now or silence forever! Really though, a lot of other folks have the same questions so don’t be scared to ask me even via email and I will answer it in my blog; no worries you will be anonymous! As you know my mouth has no filter = )


1) Does LOVE come by easier when you’ve got the LOOKS?
“Beauty- a tool to finding love?”


2) Friendship:
“Friendship a single soul dwelling in two bodies”- Aristotle


3) Marriage:
“Committing to NEVER getting married- a pled to insanity?”


4) World Revolves Around?—Obviously not you!
“Does it revolve around love or finding it? Hmmm probably not if you were in Japan during the Nuclear Power plant messes, but maybe who knows…wait to find out” : )


5) Sex, what is that?
“Do Catholics, Christians, & other strong religious people have a SEX PHOBIA? Even after marriage? Why is sex such a taboo? “


6) Parenting Gone Wrong
“If your child uses “I hate you” & “I’ll kill you” on a daily basis! Where did you go wrong as a parent?”


7) (3 Peat)2
“Lakers vs Heat” Who will make it to the finals?

Life: A Light Switch?

Who REALLY is in CONTROL of the precious thing we call "LIFE"--

Shouldn't we as individuals have control of our own life? But do we really or are we just puppets of our environment & society; influenced by religion, friends, family, media around us--and feel the need to be accepted. People act like they don't care or that they are invincible, but the reality is different! (I know I am guilty of it) We ALL CARE & want to feel "accepted" "validated" "wanted" "loved" you catch my drift. So we allow others opinions and standards to affect us, not realizing we are all HUMAN BEINGS & make mistakes.

So the question arises again... how much control do "I" as an individual have of my own life?

This has been the question of the day for me after attending Sunday service and finding out some tragic news.

A 17 year old boy from our community had committed suicide.
His fellow classmates held a car wash in order to raise money for the family. I was happy to hear that teens still unite when called to a task, its just disheartening to hear of such a tragedy.

As I was sharing the news with my mother she could not resist asking "What would lead someone to take their own life away?" ---

I had so many answers to this question...

mainly depression...

Which is an inner struggle we battle on the daily. Affected by so many different elements! Mainly outside pressure.

Why are we so hard on each other and why are we so hard on ourselves? I've been beating myself up all weekend for one night's mistakes and it makes me wonder how many people struggle with their mistakes to the point they feel helpless...

We are humans allowed to make mistakes yet we are so hard on each other!

As our society progresses so do all the social standards; being a kid, a teen, a mom, and a human being has become that much more difficult.

I am still wondering why we've added all these unneeded pressures and double standards to ourselves? Why can't we be more loving and caring? =$

http://youtu.be/8FXU3RuX8eo

...greatest paradox...L O V E....

Food for thought... How can people utter having experienced a "broken heart" or ”heartache" yet simultaneously say they’ve NEVER experienced L-O-V-E? Please explain this concept? How can someone be so remorseful, afraid of, and not believe in something they claim to have "never" experienced yet claim to have been a victim of? How is this possible?

This is the 2st century where everyone “LOVES” everything and everyone. Example: I love Zeus my dog, and I use to love my "ex". OK OK I was "in-love" with my ex. So I mean two completely different things- when I say I love my puppy boi vs being in lone- yet they are both considered “love”; point is I personally cannot say that I’ve never experienced the love paradox.

So back to my question, how can people bitch & complain about being hurt yet say they've never experienced LOVE? Oxymoron? Or misinterpretation of the feelers? Possibly. I promise there is a point and reason to my madness. My point is that if you've experienced heartache or heartbreak then you've experienced LOVE! Surprised? Of course. It really is not a foreign concept, rather simply. I am tired of listening to people rant about never experiencing “love” but having to deal with a heartache; hmmm. Ok. Why did you act a fool if you were not in love? You really where experiencing some type of loving or else you wouldn’t have gotten hurt, so stop trying to lie to yourself because you’re not fooling anyone but yourself.


My next point/question-call it what you want is: Should a person settle and be content with a mediocre relationship? Settling because we are scared of getting hurt "more" or "worse" or because we are scared of being lonely the rest of our lives is plain SILLY & DUMB!-I am guilty of this so I am only burning myself. Yes I know everyone should be brave and take the risk of finding that "true everlasting love" we all dream of; even if this means getting hurt over and over again and again. Getting hurt while trying to find love leaves us with a sour taste of "love" but isn’t the mere possibility that you could end up with that “head-over-heels” type of love worth it all? Why settle when you have the chance of finding a person that compliments you, makes you better, challenges you in a positive manner, promotes your well being, most importantly encourages your dreams and builds a future with you! Ok who am I kidding this persona does not exist- all bitches have glitches- but finding someone that makes you feel like a queen/king and isn’t a constant headache? Well that person I know exist!


Too often people(me included) are in the love race, rushing the search/journey which will lead them to their significant-other. I’d like to know WHEN DID finding our soul mate become a time bomb? I understand we all get tired of the heartaches and are scared of growing old and ending up alone so “settling” becomes very appealing- then we settle with the “right, wrong one”. We humans are funny! We set ourselves up for failure and suffering by rushing this journey and simply settling- in turn this ends up tearing us down physically and emotional. We settle and wake up 30 years later in bed next to a stranger we call our spouse, a person we dislike, have nothing in common with and we wake up wishing we wouldn’t have settled- Silly humans. I see female after female come into my office wondering where they went wrong and telling me how they wish they hadn’t “settled” but they felt like they just “had” to get married, they just “had” to have kids, they just “had” to settle- Um no YOU DON’T “have” to do ANYTHING! Of course you want to be happy with someone else but why add unneeded pressure to a relationship by rushing? No need, indeed.


Ok. A secret I will admit to. I, like the entire world battle with these thoughts/questions more then I'd like to admit. No, it’s not because I am in my twenties or because I am a female- it actually isn't a gender battle anymore. Believe it or not males are just as sappy, emotional and bipolar as females! They might have more emotional disorders then women or so studies show; let’s say they feel the need to be needed and validated a lot more than a woman does; regardless the truth is that this is not an issue that is divided by gender because -- truth is that EVERY SINGLE SOUL is on a the same love journey, in search of a significant other. Hoping to find true everlasting love, because as humans we all want to feel needed and wanted- we like feeling useful.

Another secret- I honestly believed that I was the exception to this- I believed this for some time.


I figured that because I had experienced that amazing "IN LOVE" feeling-- which was by the way the most amazing, consuming, overbearing feeling in the world-- that my journey was over. I figured I could only “fall in love” once.

My “in-love” high feeling made me feel like we fit perfectly in each other’s life- after all love blinds you to imperfections- it made me careless, I didn’t care about anything or anyone besides us. My one and only had found me. Well life happens and things change. You know this saying “there is a fine line between love and hate”? Well I can confirm to this saying being absolutely true.
My lover and I seemed to have woken up one morning to find out we had “fallen out of LOVE". We both knew that this hadn’t happened overnight; in fact it took a few open doors of mistrust, the loss of our child, depression, denial, alcohol, and the simple fact that we realized we were complete opposites with no common future goals. We fought like cats and dogs for no apparent reason- our "love" had come to an end September 2009. We didn’t give up right away, in fact we tried hard (or took turns trying) hoping things would work- both of us knowing well that we would never be able to make it work not then at least.

On September 17, 2009 I checked out of life after losing the most precious gift of life- hours later I lost my one and only also. I immediately took a dive emotionally hitting rock bottom but seeing no end. The one thing I never thought could or would happen to me did. I don't blame anyone but myself- I wish I could have done things differently but then again I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am extremely grateful for my present. I do wish I hadn't checked out of life completely but I couldn't bare the pain. I needed help but didn’t know what kind or who to ask for help, so I pretended like nothing happened... Alcohol helped me numb my pain as my anger towards life, love, and God increased. I started taking my frustrations out on my lover because he was the only one around; part of me felt then that he was somewhat responsible for what had happened I knew that was not true but I needed to cope. I never realized how much he suffered also and how much pain he had hide until sometime after we split.

I honestly believe that if we had parted and gone our own ways that September, we would have healed adequately and neither of us would have been left with a sour taste of love, but we didn't. Stubborn as we are we continued to try- after all we only had each other. So we struggled through 5 more eternal months of "trying"- but we were in quick sand and only sank deeper and deeper. The day finally came for us to go our own ways, as we had done enough damage to each other. We resented each other so much it seemed like there had never been a thing called love between us- it was sad.


Needless to say the once independent, ambitious, determined, unstoppable woman was now weak and destroyed. My friends supported me tremendously- I’m forever in debit with them! Some also tried to find me a good friend, mate, man to help me get through what I was going through but I refused. I still had hope- in my then “one”, so we tried to keep a friendship afterwards but it became too difficult. As strange as this sounds one day as I was reminiscing and looking back at our relationship I found myself asking- who the hell had I been? That was definitely not the Sandra I knew, I was shocked! This made me realize two things: love is truly blinding and made me realized that I had finally fallen out of love – and wow did falling out of love felt so good! It was better than when I had fallen in love!


I started working nonstop in order to establish my career, own business, and return to school. This was the only things that mattered to me. I wanted to become the lawyer and the successful woman I had always dreamed of. During this period I also began to build the Wall of China around me, to protect me from any future invasion. I never wanted to get hurt again so I promised myself I WOULD NEVER, fall in love again and because I never wanted a man to influence my future.


Being single was/has been/is a sweet vacation- boys have come and gone without ever denting my wall. I would go on dinner dates and never call the guy again. It was simple. I liked the newness and conversation but I never let it get further then that- chopped & blocked. For once I was in control of my "dating" situation. I can’t say I am proud- ashamed might be a better word- yet I validated my actions by saying I was only protecting myself.



My personal life flourished and so did my career. As my events blossomed so did the questioning; my events happen to be "couples events". Which started headaches, especially when people constantly asked me why I was still single? Why this? Why that? Being the youngest person at my work did not help my "couple" situation- so I decided to find a person I could attend these events with.


I needed someone to compliment me. God being the generous loving Man he is answered my prayer. He sent me a firefighter- athletic, handsome, personable, educated, the one man everyone loved and approved of- everyone except me. He treated me like a queen-the few times he did get to see me that is. You see I asked him to restrict our “dating” to twice a month. Which eventually worn him down and he got sick of my inattentiveness like anyone would. I will never forget his famous quote “Sandra my dog gives me more attention then you do!”—“But you don’t have a dog?”-me “Exactly”


I should have felt horrible but I didn’t care to fall in love – not because I did not want to feel that high again but because I didn’t want to take the risk of another broken heart. After all he seemed too perfect and we all know that not everything that shines is gold. Once again I am not proud about any of this and I never will be. Unfortunately he was not the only heartbreak I would be blamed for.
At the time I honestly didn't care about being serious or even "settling"- I never wanted to "fall in love" again!!! Well like everything else my time as a heartbreaker came to an end. Karma- yes you exist and I knew that; so once again I find myself with a “heartache”.


This happened about a month ago... When I unconsciously started letting a "friend" dent my walls. It started as simple "friend conversations" which strung us both along. Long story short, neither of us expected to develop any type of feelings for each other. In all honestly I think we hated each other prior to this past month. Then “once upon a time something happened” idk what BUT something happened. I truly believe it was God's way of letting me know I would be held accountable for all those broken hearts I was responsible for.


For the past two weeks I’ve been angry at myself, beating myself up at the same time trying to fight my feelings. I fought my heart in fear of --what ended up happening. I let my pride and ego get the best of me. While there is nothing I can do to change my past nor can I predict my future, I can still manage my present. My mind tells me that these feelings will never amount to anything, yet my heart tells me the opposite--this internal conflict lets me know that I have developed stronger feelings then just "liking" this boy-man, man-boy? Ugh. I am NO longer mad at myself for allowing myself to get "emotionally involved" instead I've adapted to the idea.


I've tasted LOVE once again- allowing myself to feel again! Even though I've been struggling the past two weeks, I am relieved to know that there is hope for my cold heart; I’m allowing myself to FEEL once again. (gasp!)
Although I blew what could have been with the person that taught me to feel again- I was able to walk away with a valuable lesson: No one is perfect and everyone is going to hurt us unintentionally or intentionally but we decide when we want to feel and what hurt is worth putting up with. I had tried to block any feeling towards the opposite sex; disabling my feelings- but he enabled my ability to fall in love once again.


Unfortunately my love story hasn’t had a happy ending, but I can at least say that I still believe in fairy-tales. My "Wall of China" finally fell -- this being one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but also the right thing. For the moment I won’t be searching for anyone but if the right person comes along once again I will give it my all; I am willing to take the risk of love again. It may not be tomorrow or the next day- but I know from my recent experience that someday I will "fall head over heels and prince charming will be there to catch me"
I am not one to give advice trust me I know this but folks there are good single peeps out there that are worth the risk and SOME pain.


Other Lessons Learned Recently: Everyone has a breaking point- don't push it if you don't need to- don't test people just to prove a point to yourself. There is no room for PRIDE in LOVE. Always remember that people change on their own accord so don't expect to turn a toad into a prince! Another thing we forget is that we belong to each other and are meant to find a significant other. Please don't misinterpret this OKAY to just settle with JUST ANYONE because your "scared of being lonely"--that will only make your life a living hell & leave you with a sour taste of a lot of things!


"Falling in LOVE"- is one of the only things a human being should never give up on! Not because you are lonely now, or afraid of eating at Perkins alone at the age of 89, or because it's convenient but because it's MAGICAL-- and until you've found that RIGHT person I can tell you that you've probably never truly lived!
It doesn't matter how many heartbreaks you have to go through in order to find that imperfect yet so perfect, breath taking, always consuming, never ending love; it will all be worth it in the end- the love of your life will make you forget about it all. Corny? yes I KNOW!

Outty like a belly button!
ZandyBean "I Take Three L's To The Head: Love, Live, Life, And I'm Dead"